Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Randomize
