You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
