I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
