Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
