Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
