I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
