I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
