he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
