Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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