I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
