No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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