GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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