My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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