worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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