I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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