My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
