He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You took a bar mat shot.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
