he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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