between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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