When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
