I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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