Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
