Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
