I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
