After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
