I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I said "one day" and that day is not today
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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