I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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