The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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