I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
