I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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