that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
