Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Is it because I queefed?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
