the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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