I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
