So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
