i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
