You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just blew my weed a kiss
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
