Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
