The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
