you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
