I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
