I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
