ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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