The maid of honor just puked.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
