Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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