i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
