8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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