$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It's just like the Real World with babies
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
