If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
