You work out of a Hotel?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize