I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
