don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize