so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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