Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize