I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
