i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
