If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
