I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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